Healing Through Honesty
By Kathryn McCann (she/her/hers)
A few years ago during a period of high stress, I lost my appetite and began restricting food as a form of control. At that time, I was fortunate enough to be able to set myself back on track after I was able to handle the concerns in my life. I never believed it was a real issue, just a temporary coping mechanism to get me through the difficult times. Last Summer, however, it came back with full force. Within a few weeks, I had started restricting again and gave myself stricter food rules. I became enamored with weighing myself and watching the numbers drop. Within a short period of time my weight dropped to the desired number. Once I reached that number, I would continue to set a new goal weight because it was never enough. At my lowest weight, I began feeling some of the most concerning symptoms. I had experienced everything from irregular heartbeat, dizziness, muscle weakness and pain, to memory loss, worsening depression, mood swings, and lack of hunger cues. Much of my time was spent crying over the numbers on my scale, memorizing food labels, and planning ways to get out of meals. This is the reality of anorexia nervosa. It is far from glamorous. It is absolutely miserable. I would not wish it on my worst enemy.
The Wake Up Call
Despite all of this, little convinced me that I needed help. Eventually, I was able to get a few glimpses of reality that made me see that I may have a problem: I could barely eat, and when I did, I felt sick. One of the symptoms of Refeeding Syndrome is cardiac arrest and that terrified me. I had also started blacking out while I was driving, and I could not bear the thought of hurting someone else. A year ago, at the advice of concerned friends, I went for an evaluation at a hospital that had a specialized unit for eating disorders. I felt that I was finally “giving in”, but since I did not believe I had much of a problem, I thought the “worst” I would deal with was an intensive outpatient program. That day became one of the first wakeup calls I had to the eating disorder that within just a few months had become so sinister. I was in complete disbelief and broke down when they advised me that the doctor’s only recommendation was an inpatient stay. After a few days deliberating, I finally signed myself in.
Denial and Relapse
In the hospital I cried and wondered how I could possibly be in an eating disorder unit. I didn’t think I had a problem, and if I did, there were people far worse off than I. In fact, I truly did not believe I was “sick enough” to be considered anorexic. After being admitted, I managed to get myself out quickly. I did everything that was asked and I told myself this would never happen again. I withheld my feelings and said everything I needed to be discharged. What I didn’t realize, and what many people don’t realize, is that eating disorders are incredibly addictive. After I was discharged I quickly changed my tune and began engaging in behaviors again.
The Decision to Recover
Eventually, after a few tries, relapses, and programs, I realized that recovery is my only option. I started to see that I was “sick enough” to get help. I realized I didn’t want to continue to live my life the way I was. I’m far from cured, and it’s still a daily struggle and temptation, but I try to remember all that I have learned, and try to remember all that anorexia can take if given the power. I try to remind myself of all the good things to look forward to and that I don’t want to go down that road again. I try to go against the “ED” voice in my head and do the opposite of what it says. Most importantly, I try to remind myself that I need to nourish and take care of my body, not destroy it.
Understanding the Disease
Eating disorders have the second-highest mortality rate among psychiatric illnesses, and yet they are one of the most misunderstood. Many treat eating disorders as a choice purely based on vanity. I can assure you that it is very much not a choice and it is much more complex than people realize. For me, it provided control and stability when things in my life seemed to be in disarray. It became addictive and was a coping skill that I relied on. It became a comfort, and in a way, a very dangerous “friend.” It was a way to deal with past and current struggles that I hadn’t processed. While this disease isn’t a choice, I’ve learned that recovery is.
Finding Hope and Purpose
This disease will take everything you have. It will take your health, put you out of work, and isolate you from everyone you love. I am slowly learning how to take things back from it. With recovery, I’ve developed new hobbies and have taken up old ones again. I now have the physical strength to continue ice skating lessons. I am able to wake up and think about things other than food and calories. I have begun writing and drawing. And I am slowly learning to love myself and my life. I have realized I now want to work with those with eating disorders, just like myself, and that goal is what helps me on the hard days.
I share this because I’ve learned that secrets will make you sick, and perhaps, my story can help someone else. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my story.
