Michele: Annihilating Anorexia
Anorexia is not a choice
Multiple clinical resources are publishing studies that support the possibility that Anorexia Nervosa could be a brain-based illness (google: ‘anorexia as a brain-based illness’). The findings from these studies suggest that there are substantial differences in the brain structure of a person with anorexia as compared to those who don’t have an eating disorder. What does this mean? It means that there is an imbalance of brain activity which may lead to restrictive eating behaviors. Although studying neurological activity is important in de-stigmatizing mental illness in general and eating disorders in particular, it is especially critical for anorexia, since anorexia has the highest mortality rate of all the eating disorder types.
This research also helps to emphasize that anorexia is a serious illness, not a lifestyle choice, a fad, a need for attention, or simply a desire to be thin. It also helps to remove the shame many people with anorexia may feel. As if they chose it. As if they let this happen to themselves. As if they are weak or inferior in some way. All of which are ignorant misconceptions at best and dangerous fallacies at worst, fueled by our body image obsessed culture.
I’m not a doctor, yet I read medical research about anorexia because I am a survivor who managed to recover permanently. Anorexia got me in the year 1980, when I was 15 years old. It was not long before entered into the life-threatening stage of anorexia.
How did I know I was in trouble?
The best way to describe what it felt like is to say that every part of my body felt taxed. My lungs, muscles, joints, and especially my heart felt like they were working extra hard just to provide the minimum amount of energy I needed to live. Getting out of bed in the morning, or trying to walk up a few stairs made my heart race, and left me short of breath. I was so weak that just getting through the day became almost impossible. I was constantly cold, no matter the temperature of my environment, or the layers of clothing I wore. I didn’t know what was wrong with me, but I knew that it was bad and that I was in trouble.
Over four decades later, I realize how lucky I am to have survived this horrific illness. I see myself as an example to show that it is not only possible to survive, but thrive, after anorexia. I recovered and went on to enjoy both personal and career success and happiness. I never relapsed, and for this, I’m extremely grateful because there are so many who struggle for years. My heart goes out to these people. My experience lasted the better part of a year, and to say it was hellacious is an understatement. Anorexia is a monster that doesn’t like to let go. It doesn’t like to lose. Anorexia tried to take me down and lost. Take that!
How did I overcome anorexia?
The odds were stacked against me. I grew up in a small town and had no clue what an eating disorder was. I had never heard anyone talk about it and there was no one that looked emaciated like me. I had never heard the word ‘anorexia’.
Looking back on it now, I realize my ignorance (and basically everyone around me) may have been a blessing in disguise. If I didn’t know how bad it was, I wouldn’t be intimidated by the statistics, and maybe I could get better. In March of 1981 I went into the hospital for three months. I spent two weeks in the medical unit and was then transferred to the mental health unit. There wasn’t anyone else in the mental health hospital that had anorexia. All of the patients there had mental illness, from depression to psychosis. To be honest, it was a very scary place to be. I might be sitting next to someone and they might start screaming or lashing out. Many patients were heavily sedated. So much suffering.
After getting discharged in June of 1981, I went home and struggled mightily. It was a lonely, incredibly hard time for me. I had to be brave and figure out how to do life without anorexia. One of the reasons I didn’t relapse is that, no matter how lonely I was, or how difficult food choices were, I knew I could not ever go back to the nightmare of anorexia. I could deal with anything except that. Once school started in the fall, it got easier. I slowly but surely got my life back. Surviving became thriving. I recovered permanently. Anorexia didn’t win.
What have I learned since recovering from anorexia? I learned enough to fill a book, so I wrote Annihilating Anorexia and published it in 2023.
One of the most important things I learned is that anorexia nervosa is a serious illness. Whether neurologically based or not, it is, nevertheless, a vicious, seductive, insidious, and relentless monster that should never be underestimated. It’s been over four decades since I had it and I still remember vividly how hungry, weak and cold I was. How horrific it was watching myself shrink. The torture of not being able to eat. I could not help myself, but once I got help, I got better. That sounds simplistic, I know, but I also learned that I was stronger than anorexia, and that I deserved a life without the monster. So do you.
Michele Mason (she/her)
Michele Mason grew up in Erie, Pennsylvania, where she battled and successfully recovered from anorexia as an adolescent. After earning a master’s degree in business administration, she held management positions with several international companies and served as a thought leader in the therapeutic nutrition industry. She is an aspiring writer who currently lives in Phoenix, Arizona.