Julie: Finding My Truth in Recovery
By: Julie T.
It started out innocently enough. I wanted to lose weight. Once I decided this, the deal was sealed, and the eating disorder demon had me.
But I did not know it, yet. IT took over that moment. And IT didn’t leave me alone until I made another decision on January 24, 2024. Life to death, death to life.
The descent into bondage ravaged my soul, body and mind. But I still didn’t think I was “that” sick or as “bad as everyone else thought.” The size of my body did tell the story though. It spoke for me, words I didn’t know how to use to express the pain and agony my soul was in. Regardless of my body size, it spoke. Once I was trapped, I could not find my way out.
Fear. Terror. Lies.
I thought that by controlling my body size I would be protected from being abused. Lie.
I thought that by cutting it would protect me. Lie.
I built a fantasy world in which I was strong and powerful, where I could keep myself safe. Lie.
I believed the eating disorder was my friend. Lie.
I was terrified, lonely and weak. Instead I was slowly killing myself. As a Christian, I knew and know that Jesus is my Protector. I felt so guilty for engaging in the behaviors, trusting them to keep me safe rather than my Lord. This was a huge battle for me, the entire time I lived with the eating disorder. Guilt, shame. And I know that Jesus understood why I “needed” the eating disorder, yet He wanted to be my safe place.
I didn’t have words. I was stuck. My mind no longer belonged to me. I no longer knew who I was. Julie was gone. I was alone. I had no friends.
Pain. Fear. Isolation.
Between home and school, I had no safe place to go to. My parents tried to help, but I lied to them. I needed to, to protect what was “keeping me safe.” Yet, another lie.
When I became so ill, they hospitalized me. I then learned that living in a hospital was easier than living in the “real world”. It was a microcosm of safety. And living in a hospital was NOT easy. But, it was easier because living in the real world was frightening. The crushing pain of living with an eating disorder; the brain pain, the emotional pain, the physical pain, the spiritual pain. This pain can not be adequately expressed in such a short bio.
Purpose. Truth. Recovery.
Then came Renee who was terminally ill. God brought her into my life to care for, even though I was spiraling.
The possibility of yet another inpatient hospitalization loomed in front of me. Renee. The love bond developed almost instantly. As she was dying she gave me a reason to live and to recover. As her need for me grew and her fear of me not being with her during her last weeks and days of life, I was brought to my knees. There, I made a declaration to God on January 24, 2024, finally choosing to surrender the eating disorder forever to God. I was able to be with Renee as she took her last breath as she entered into the presence of Jesus. I have never looked back.
I worked with a therapist and a wonderful dietician who is an incredible person and clinician. Kay helped me navigate the world of recovery. There was a lot of work to do in the beginning. Challenging the lies. Believing the truth. I stopped using behaviors. Though I had urges, I rarely acted on them in those first weeks of working with her. Now I have stopped using behaviors completely. I learned not to use them. Now I rarely have urges. I am eating with complete freedom. I am truly living free from the bondage. The shackles have been broken off. God is central to this freedom. I remain humble, asking for help when I need it. Being there for others who are still stuck. I have such freedom now. And if I can live free, you can too!
