OCD, High Sensitivity, and My Path to Recovery

Rewind to around Junior High, it wasn’t long before my OCD symptoms started expressing and increasing in the usual ways (hand washing, intrusive thoughts, repetitive behaviors, “contamination” fears, etc.). Despite that so many on my mom’s side of the family had it, it wasn’t discussed much. And back then, words like neurodivergence, highly sensitive person (HSP), and autism were fairly new, so I often felt defective for having these traits that made me “different” from my family and other students in school. As a creative, deep thinking, “live in the head” type, I preferred introverted, creative pursuits, like writing, electric guitar, cooking, poetry, and gaming. I got my “emotional mirroring” from my alternative rock CDs (while we often like to BE alone, we don’t like to FEEL alone).

With relationships, as a guy wired sensitive/submissive who grew up in a chaotic environment, I was always drawn to girlfriends who were taller, and who would look out for me. I was that “wounded bird” craving a protector. I always felt safe when sitting on a girlfriend’s lap or borrowing her sweater/jacket, etc. Fast forward and my wife today is also the breadwinner. 

As a househusband, this dynamic leveled up the fuzzy “protected” feelings even further, which I only recently learned is common for HSPs to feel comfortable in that role which meshes well with our sensitive needs.

With so much anxiety in the neurodivergent and eating disorder community, it’s no wonder so many of us value co-regulation in these ways, especially those healing from the ‘abandonment wounds’ and unmet needs so common in our upbringings.

When it comes to males and eating disorders, too often the assumption is that we want to GAIN excess weight. I, like many other guys wired like me, want to be smaller than our girlfriends (for the same reasons stereotypically more associated with women).

Despite my naturally slight frame, my OCD shifted its focus toward restrictive habits and sudden, dangerous physical changes. I felt ‘guilty’ while eating and would compulsively use movement to ‘undo’ the meal. I treated hunger as something to be managed with the bare minimum, viewing my clothes fitting loosely as a sign of success rather than a sign of a health crisis.

It wasn’t until I began feeling physically faint and saw a photo that revealed how much my health had actually declined. It was a wake-up call that my behaviors were no longer safe—even though my OCD had spent months convincing me otherwise, echoing the same dangerous patterns that had previously led to clinical intervention as a result of my contamination OCD.

Thankfully, these days as a highly sensitive neurodivergent there is so much more information today. It was years before I even learned just how many creative people in history are wired this way, (writers, musicians, inventors, etc.) which is an empowering thought and certainly not something to be embarrassed or ashamed of. And the same is true with things like OCD and eating disorders. There is hope and help out there!