*Trigger Warning: This post contains talk of numbers and scales.*
It was nearly a year and a half ago when I openly admitted to y’all that despite being in a good place with my recovery, I lost my ever loving mind when a doctor told showed me that I had gained 20 pounds in 2 years… see below!
In hindsight that was probably the most vulnerable I have ever been with this blog. I mean, coming onto a public platform to admit that I nearly relapsed after 5+ years in recovery all because of a number was nothing short of scary. But ultimately, I have never once regretted choosing vulnerability, and that post was not the exception. Nor will this.
Two weeks ago I found myself on a scale once again. And lo and behold and completely unexpectedly, another 20 pound gain. I immediately fell back into self deprecation mode and stared in disbelief at the number I saw. It was the biggest number I have ever seen, but in that very moment, I felt nothing but small in comparison to my ED that was trying to resurface.
But I couldn’t. I wouldn’t let that number change the fact that I was still going to meet my friend for pizza and beer that night. Or that I have worked too damn hard to lose everything I have fought for. So I did what I do best, I cried it out, talked to “my people,” and knew that I had to write this follow up post.
I hope that at least one person reading this finds solace in the fact that a number on a scale is not a death sentence, but keeping on with your ED could very well be. And with that, I give you part 2 of my “20 Things I Really Gained” list.
- A new outlook on life after witnessing death first hand
- My master’s degree
- My dream job as a licensed individual and family therapist
- Finding a home that feels safe
- A beautiful kitchen to cook in
- A new bed
- New friends and colleagues
- 12 inches of donated hair (technically a physical loss, but definitely an emotional gain)
- A strengthened relationship with my siblings and cousins
- A supervisor that respects me
- At least 10 new yoga asanas
- A genuine trust in my therapist (…4.5 years in the making)
- A new relationship with the 4 most important kiddos in my life
- My health during a world wide pandemic
- A new doctor who refuses to stop fighting for me to get access to the right medications
- A “new old” best friend
- Bullet journaling
- Heartbreak and the lessons that came with it
- Financial stability
- A real chance to start thinking about becoming a mama