To those who judge my body, is it too thin or too fat for you? Is my stomach not flat enough? Are my muscles not strong enough or pleasing enough to you? As I cower in shame thinking of how I do not please you with my body, and that I have lived this way from the moment I learned that I was not good enough, I wake up now. I realize that I am buying into a system that leaves me in the one down position. I understand that I can choose to say that this system is rigged against me and I will never recover or love myself fully until I stop feeding into this way of thinking.
I now choose to love my body and realize the power that it has if I feed and support myself fully. I leave behind shame and desperation. I know it’s not instant or magical, but I know truly that I can be a friend and supporter of myself, as imperfect as my body may be. It means well and it is lovable and it is capable of much if I nourish and care for it.
I remember learning how to hate my body. When I was jogging and that car of guys shouted about how fat I was. I remember those girls talking about me in junior high and saying I wasn’t good looking enough. They didn’t invite me to the party. My grandmother said that I shouldn’t have the ice cream because I was big enough without it. My doctor noticed that I was in the overweight range and this was not healthy for me. I bought into all of this innocently. I did not know how to defend against it. But today I work on these traumas and make a different choice.
Unconditional love and acceptance is just that, unconditional. When I love myself and my body, I do not only love me if I say the right things, look the right way, eat perfectly. Love is only love when it has no ifs or conditions. And this is how I choose to love me. The way I love others. I do not see color or size or religion or ability. I see my body as perfect because it is the house for my soul.
I have one life here today and I choose to live it fully. I will look at how I learned this shame about my body, and today I stop feeding into it. I am sorry if I disappoint those who judge my body. Then again, no, I’m not sorry at all.