I was sexually assaulted as a child and teen. But ultimately, I was left with an abundance of shame and guilt over my body. I felt the need to have some kind of control over my body, which was found through food. Secondary trauma was what brought me back into my eating disorder. From a fully recovered, weight restored me, I eventually led to feeling a need for control again.
My faith and the religious leaders around me helped show me a world where light does exist. Through that, I gained the confidence to tell my parents I needed to be in a residential treatment center to regain control over my eating disorder – instead of my eating disorder controlling me.
My future is worth fighting for because I am not defined by my past. I have the ability to make my future full of life and self-compassion. I have the ability to create a lovely place for myself no matter what life may throw at me.
What advice do you have for anyone going through recovery?
My advice for anyone going through recovery, is to take it one day at a time. Each and every day in recovery is a battle and we are presented with the decision to hold onto our eating disorders, or recover. Your eating disorder will try so hard to steal another day of recovery away from you so it can thrive again. Also, it is important to accept slip-ups, because it will happen. No one is perfect at anything, and recovery is not supposed to be perfect. If recovery was perfect, then we would not have the chance to learn how to face our triggers and trials head on.
I am no where near fully recovered. I still use behaviors daily and struggle to accept the way my body was made, but that is okay. I am in a partial hospitalization program after residential treatment and living six hours away from my home, which has been the hardest part of my journey of recovery so far. My eating disorder is still something I have trouble letting go of – it is still comfortable and the only constant – but one day I will have the strength to fully let go. I know I will be fully recovered some day, and that is the life I look forward to.
I am a 15 year old Caucasian female who is still learning to accept and embrace recovery.