My father committed suicide when I was 14. It was extremely unexpected and tragic, and I lost all sense of control over my life. I developed trust issues with the men in my life, and entered numerous toxic relationships. I had feelings for women, but suppressed them – I could only see myself ending up with a man, especially one that reminded me of a father-like figure. I became disgusted with my developing body and wanted to return my body to a child-like state due to the fact that I was dating men, but was not attracted to them, and that I felt like the innocence of my childhood had been taken from me. For me, it was all about control.
I began freelance writing in college. Most of my stories revolved around disordered eating – personal essays, research papers, interviews, etc. I found that all of my creative projects came back to my fascination with my eating disorder and disordered eating in general. I found it extremely therapeutic to analyze disordered eating through both a creative and academic lens – it made me understand where my experience was rooted, and inspired me to pursue sharing my experience and understandings others’.
I am a 21-year-old queer white woman