I’d cry out yet my silent voice would only be heard within the walls around me. I was
trapped in a closet of worry and strife. My thoughts and emotions concerning food
were like a flimsy leaf on a tree …twirling up, twirling down and spinning all around. I
continued to think that the myriad of redundant thought patterns would just someday fly
away in the wind. I was trying to be simplistic, convincing myself it would be so easy to
change. Eventually, I succeeded and change did come but only because I finally allowed myself
The onset of my eating disorder was at the age of fifteen and it followed me
well into my twenties. There were questions bombarding my left and right coming from
family, friends and even myself. “Why?”, “How?”, “When?”; I never
seemed to have an answer.
One early morning I was taking a walk outdoors. An elderly man with a cane clenched in his hand slowly approached along the walkway. He peered out between the few gray hairs he had beneath the cap on his head and greeted me with a smile. A swarm of questions instantly buzzed through my
head. “Wow! How old is he?” ”What kind of life experiences has he encountered? ” “Has
he been happy his whole life?” I thought, “Where will I be in the years to come for
me?” He interrupted these thoughts with a fragile “hello”. I picked my chin up,
raised my cheeks with a feinted grin and returned the greeting. I walked ahead as he
carried on his walk away. I realized in that moment that I’ve been idling by in life
putting my goals on hold for too long. Life and time are precious. It was new
morning – a day to start over!
I had always admired the word “perseverance”. I had to persevere in what I believed. My faith has
been instilled at a young age but I had to act upon that faith in order to take the next step
forward. From my own thinking, I could handle my eating issues on my own. My fear of
food was not related to a number on the scale or how I looked in the mirror but rather a
fear of failure. I let my negative feelings devour me and was silenced.
My voice is not silent anymore.
I am a woman who found strength through commitment to her faith.