Some people have the luxury of hitting the alarm, then still lying in bed, turning over and thinking about what they are going to do today, whether they go to work or stay at home. Luckier still are the people who can hit the snooze button, then go back to sleeping bliss and dream once again.
I’m not one of them.
For me the alarm clock is an alert, a warning call, a gunshot to start a race. Ready. Set. Go! I sit up in bed and check myself, thinking, and “Am I okay? Do I have the shakes? How much pain am I in?” Then it is medication time. I take four pills. That is just to get out of bed. More as the hours of the day pass.
What ills do I have?
I have anorexia.
For twenty years.
It was not just about being thin or not eating. It defined me. It gave me a purpose in life. Losing weight – no, it was about losing…everything. It went deeper than that, skin deeper. It changed my blood, devoured my bones, weakened my heart, took my memories and tried to fill my soul. Where was it going to stop? When was it going to stop?
It helped me at first, like so many bad things in life, it tempts you. It acts as if it can help you. At first it served a purpose. I needed to look a certain way and it did it. I needed to feel a certain way, it did it. Like suicide, it was a permanent solution to a temporary problem.
I thought that I could control it, I could not. I thought that I can manage it, guide it and only use it when I needed it, but…it had become its own entity. It formed its owned personality, its ego – just as a young girl possessed by some demon in a bad B movie. It was in control. I had to ask its permission,
Can I eat today, Ms. Anorexia?
No, she would say.
Can I have fun today?
Can I love, today?
Can I live today?
I finally said yes… I want to live. I finally said that I’m in control and that I want to live another life.
This is a welcome to my life, but a wake-up call for yours. This could be going on in your life. You may not be a girl, not eating, but a young boy just burning his life away.
You may be a husband whose mean comments are destroying a wife’s life, or a parent whose words are increasing the chance that your daughter loses everything.
Don’t hit that alarm clock snooze button, wake up!
See if you are hurting.
See if you have the shakes.
See if you need help.